Dear Daddy…

By: Sydney

Dec 08 2009


Category: Uncategorized


Some would disagree, but I think it’s better to have a father’s who’s completely absent, than to have one who lives 30 minutes away but never calls. I envy the girls who say they never knew their fathers. Not to be insensitive to the trauma of not knowing who he is. But because they didn’t have to experience the disappointment s I have, and continue to experience to this day. Some would say I’m lucky to know you at all. That knowing you’re alive and that you call you once every six months is better than having no awareness of you. But statistics actually show that a father who is in and out of the life of his daughter has a more damaging affect than a father who was completely absent.

Growing up, you were there, but you weren’t. It would soon be clear that you weren’t because you were fucking every woman on earth, making more babies that you wouldn’t be there for. You think child support is enough? What about EMOTIONAL support? What about asking me how I’m doing? How’s school? How’s life? What about asking my little sister how she’s doing? How about actually being a Father to your children?

When you cheated on my mom, you cheated on us—my sisters and I. The damage is done for me and my eldest, but I won’t let you hurt my little sister. She was too young to remember all your broken promises and knows nothing of your transgressions. But now, 14 years old, she wants a relationship with you. She wants to know her half-siblings. She wants a birthday party just like the one you threw her half-sister last weekend for her (who also just turned 15). Are you going to give her the same treatment? Or are you going to scar her for life and make her feel like her daddy loves her half-sister more than he loves her?

I know it sounds horrible but…We were first. We were your real family. We should have preferential treatment. You weren’t there for us growing up, and you aren’t there for us now. But you’re there for your illegitimate children. You left us and now you have a new family. You’re cheating on them too, but you’re there. You make them feel special. You build up their confidence. They get to call you Daddy everyday. It’s hard not to resent them because they get to have the father I always needed. Flaws and all…Your mere presence is positive reinforcement. Why weren’t you there for us? Why weren’t we good enough?

You were supposed to be my male role-model. The person that set the standard for what kind of man I’d marry. But do you ever look at the example you’re setting? You’re such a poor example of what a good man should be that you wouldn’t be able to soothe me when I tell you “he cheated” or when I ask you “are there any good ones left”? You’re 43 years old with 9 children. Your paycheck is stretched so thin, you almost can’t even take care of yourself. You’re cheating on the woman you’re with. I know this for a fact. I know how you life your personal life. I know what your values are (or lack thereof).

It’s discouraging to know that you never got your shit together. You’re not a young man trying to figure out life, making mistakes along the way. You’re almost middle aged and you’re still doing the things girls pray teenage boys will grow out of. You’re everything I hope to avoid in a man. Everything.
You’re the reason why I have a hard time dating. I don’t know where my standards should lie. Anybody would be better than you. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. But sometimes I’m not picky enough. I’m either settling too much, or being unbelievably rigid. I don’t know how to have standards without being flexible. I don’t know how to compromise. You’re the reason It’s all or nothing. I hate in-betweens. I despise your inconsistency, and as a result, have zero tolerance for it. I’d rather have all of you or none of you.

You never kept your promises. You were never there when you said you would be. You’re the reason I don’t get excited about anything. Ever. It’s not that I’m pessimistic, but I only believe it when I see it. I rarely get my hopes up because I remember how excited I’d be to see you, and how incredibly disappointed I’d be when you didn’t even call. It’s because of you that I don’t like waiting on people. I’m not impatient, but I don’t like people who tell me they’ll be there at a certain time and are late. You’re the reason I don’t like to keep people waiting. You’re the reason I’m NEVER late.

You’re the reason I can’t ask for help when I need it. I’m used to asking, and you never providing. More disappointment. More unreliability. I’m better off taking care of myself. Even when I can’t.

You’re the reason I have a hard time trusting people. And the reason that I trust some people too much.You should have protected me from my brother…Or at the very least, reprimand him for violating me and my sister. But you asked no questions. You pretended it didn’t happen.

I never knew the significance of having a father in my life. I never knew how much an impact one could have. I never knew how a father’s presence could play a role on a growing girl’s confidence (or lack thereof). I never knew that the things you did to me as a child would affect the woman I am today. I never knew you could still make me cry.

You’re my Father. The one I’m supposed to look up to. The one I should be able to cry to when my heart is broken. Not the one who’s breaking it.  You should be the one telling me that I deserve better. That my prince is out there. That I shouldn’t put up with bullshit. But how could you say any of that in good conscience? How could you, when you’ve broken my heart more than anyone else has?

I’m determined to not let my past dictate my future.  I refuse to be a victim.  I refuse to go from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship just to fill the void Daddy left.  I refuse to be cynical and believe that every man is just like you.  I will not let my past dictate my future.

But I wish you would have made it easier for me.


3 comments on “Dear Daddy…”

  1. Heavy fucking sigh.

    I can’t even comment on this shit.



  2. Deep. I never knew my father. Like I don’t know who he is, I don’t even know what RACE he is. Your perspective is interesting.

  3. 😦

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: