The CliffsNotes Version

By: Sydney

Nov 09 2009

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Category: Uncategorized

5 Comments

Over the weekend I had an epiphany (as usual).  I thought to myself, You just made a blog move. You finally let go of the old spot, and the person it involved.  And now you want to devote a week’s worth of vlogs telling the story on how things ended?

It sounded a smidge counter-productive to me.  I made the decision to move on from him, and that’s what I need to do.  If I go on and on about him in a vlog series, that would kind of keep him fresh in my mind.  Not to mention, it would defeat the purpose of switching blogs, because he would still be the topic of discussion.  So, I decided that I’ll make ONE written post giving you guys the gist of why things happened the way they did, and not so much how.

I could spend an hour on this post, breaking it all down detail for detail, but I won’t.  The simplest way to tell it is this: Ex and his girlfriend broke up, shortly after we started seeing each other, and it didn’t work out.  Fin. It was simply that we were not on the same page.  Though what we had in the moment was satisfying, I still knew in my heart there would come a time where I wouldn’t want to sell myself short anymore.  And that time came sooner than I expected.  When it came down to it, I had grown too much, and he hadn’t grown enough.  We were even less compatible than we were when we first met three years ago, and I knew it was time to just let the relationship go.  I wasn’t happy with where things were headed and I did what I had to do.  Even though he was actually good to me (surprising, right?) and tried to keep me satisfied, it just wasn’t enough.  I have a legacy selling myself short with him and I could never forgive myself for staying in a “relationship” where I wasn’t getting what I needed.  I know I deserve more.  And all the “love” in the world couldn’t make me stay in a situation where I felt somehow cheated.

The truth is, I know it was just time to move on.  I just felt it in my heart, you know?  I felt it more than any “love” I felt for him.  I tried to ignore it for awhile because I didn’t want to walk away from what we had because, for a time, it was good. But I couldn’t ignore what my heart was telling me.  I’ve known him since I was 17 years old.  I’m 21 today.  My adult identity, thus far, is inextricably tied to him.  I need to figure out who I am without Ex in my life.  And there’s no better time than now.  Eveything else is falling into place.  Academically, career-wise, and even socially.  I’m acing ALL of my classes right now, planning my trip to Paris, and loving my internship (details on all of this later).  I’m branching out and discovering  things I never knew about myself.  I have my own place now, with the distance from him that I craved all last year.  But most importantly, I finally have the mindset.  Mentally, I’m ready to let him go and move on.  I had all these unanswered questions before that left our future so open-ended.  Now that we had our second chance, I see that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.  So, it’s that much easier for me to make peace with our ending, and let the relationship go without being bitter.

Instead of a dramatic, tearful goodbye, I told him the truth about how I feel.  I told him that I just needed the time and space that I never got when we first broke up.  I can’t help but still love him. It takes a while for that to go away.  But the good part is, I can recognize when I have to make a decision for myself.  He didn’t take it well because, the way he sees it, we’re both single and nothing is standing in the way of us having a “friendlationship”.  But I knew that type of relationship would benefit him more than it would benefit me, so I had to give him the deuces. 

Sidenote: I definitely just made up the word “friendlationship”, so if anyone needs clarification on what I meant by that, just ask :).

So, there you have it.  As you can see, the details of the past few months aren’t as important as the ultimate outcome.  I finally got my closure and I’m ready to see what, and who, is in store for my life.

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5 comments on “The CliffsNotes Version”

  1. Oh well, Is done, New woman, new Leaf has been turned!

    C’est La Vie!

  2. Seriously, that’s awesome. Isn’t it strange how we think we want something, get it, and then it just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? It’s almost like the grass is always greener syndrome but not quite. More like, wow, I just realize that I like sand between my toes. Well good for you!

  3. You sound very whole in this post. I also like the word “friendlationship”. haha. I think it was good that you got the second chance. Makes it much easier to know that it wouldn’t be without all the “what-ifs” clouding your reasoning.

    Good for you!

  4. @ qq: that’s so funny, i was thinking about titling this blog “c’est la vie”! but then i googled it and saw that there a zillion blogs by the same title and i was like naw.

    but yep, what’s done is done. no use dwelling on it.

    @ jaded & experience: i know! it’s crazy how you can crave something so much and once you get it, it’s like…well damn. that wasn’t what i thought i wanted after all. it does make it a lot easier to mend and move on.

  5. Oh Syd: you should register with http://www.gravatar.com so you have a pic next to your name instead of the pretty pattern square thingie.


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