The time is Now.

A couple of weeks ago my uncle passed away at 44 years old.  It happened so suddenly; he went into a coma on Wednesday March 25th, and was gone less than 24 hours later. He had diabetes and didn’t know it. He went into a blood sugar induced coma and never came out of it. It was incredibly tragic and so unexpected.

Although he was family and I truly did love my uncle, my relationship was the most removed than anyone else affected by his death.  My mother lost her brother; my grandparents lost their son; my 13 year-old cousin lost her father; and my aunt-to-be (his fiance–they were together for 15 years) lost the love of her life. His death threw everyone for a loop. And I don’t think any of their lives will ever be the same.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my family had been on the rocks for some time.  It took the passing of a family member for people to let go of grudges, resentment, and let bygones be bygones.  It was a beautiful thing to see my family reunite, but it was so disappointing that it took Death to make a it happen.

I’ve always appreciated that my mother instilled a spirit of reconciliation in my at a young age. Whenever I had a bad argument with one of my sisters, she always made us talk afterwards. She wouldn’t let us go to sleep mad at each other. That just didn’t happen in her house.  Now as an adult, I make sure that I’m never on bad terms with the people in my life. I don’t care if we came to blows, if you’re an irreplaceable loved one in my life, I’m not going hold a grudge and not talk to you for months.  Because you just never know when you’re one month too late…

I had considered myself one of the most forgiving people I know. Always willing to give second-chances, never willing to leave a situation unresolved. And then I realized that I’ve been holding a life-long grudge with my father. As evidenced by a post a made last year, I had a lot of resentment towards him that I wouldn’t let go of.  I hadn’t talked to him in nearly three months. And before that, I probably hadn’t talked to him in about six. I had made up my mind that I didn’t care. That I’d rather have an estranged relationship with him than submit myself to the lies and broken promises of my childhood. My uncle’s passing certainly put things in perspective.  I thought about how I’d feel if my father (God forbid) had passed away. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t nurture my relationship with my father because of grudges from my childhood and adolescence. And then to suddenly know that he wasn’t there anymore…I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I don’t need to really drive this point home any further because I think you all get the gist.   If there’s anyone in your life that you’re not talking to because of a past situation, get over it. The fact is, NOTHING is so important that it’s worth being stubborn over.  Life is too precious and unpromised to hold grudges.  If the relationship is important to you, fix it. As soon as possible. Like, now.

Well, that’s Life.

Okay.

I didn’t expect to disappear as long as I did. I didn’t simply make my blog private to ‘protect’ my posts.  I wasn’t blocking you all from seeing what I was writing because, as you can see, I haven’t been writing at all.  I knew I wouldn’t be writing, and had a heavy case of blog neglect guilt going on. I just made it private so that I wouldn’t have to see it myself, let alone the few visitors I had.

So what happened? Without going into detail, Life happened. I was in the midst of the most intense final exams I’d ever experienced on top of dealing with pressing financial matters, multiple family crises,  and preparing for my trip to Paris. I had intended on blogging while I was abroad, but I was pushed over the edge when I was informed that my mother was extremely ill in the Intensive Care Unit.  She was holding on to dear life, and I was thousands of miles away from her.  My mind was EVERYWHERE but on this blog.

The last month of 2009 was one of those Make or Break months.  I was under extreme amounts of stress and pressure, and it only seemed like things kept getting worse.  I dealt with it all in the best way I knew how–internally. I suddenly developed an aversion to blogging. I can’t really explain it…I honestly just didn’t feel like writing anymore.  I didn’t feel like being phony and pretending everything was all peachy when it wasn’t. And I certainly didn’t feel like writing about my problems, so I just stepped away from it all for a while. It was longer than I intended, but it was more than necessary.

It felt like everything was falling apart around me and I couldn’t figure out why. Why was it all happening at the very same moment? The important thing I had to do for myself was stay optimistic. When life throws a bunch of things at you at once, it’s easy to adopt that “Why Me?” attitude. For me, my biggest focus was to remain prayerful and hopeful.  I knew that what I was going through was only temporary and, despite how bad things were at the time, I’d come out of it.  And here I am now.

The bottom line is this: Life isn’t perfect.  It’s never going to be smooth sailing 100% of the time. I figured that out a long time ago.  If there’s ever a period of time when everything is going your way, where you get straight green lights on your way home from work or a parking spot right in front of the store, you’re the luckiest person I know.  Trivial examples, but you get the point. Life is full of obstacles and variables. I mean…Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.

So, with this in mind, I titled my blog C’est la vie. English translation:  Such is life or Well, that’s life. A simple reminder to anyone who croons about their problems and why things “never” seem to go their way. Gotta love the French.

Never mind the fact that there are a million blogs of the same title floating around the blogosphere. It just fit for me. For now.

Anyway, I appreciate everybody who reached out…You’re the one’s who brought me out of my blog-coma and reminded me how much I miss being a part of this community.

I apologize for the disappearing act…I promise not to do it again. And if I absolutely need to, I’ll make sure to telly you first.

xo,

Syd

Weekend Updates

What’s up everybody.

I would apologize for my previous post (I know y’all weren’t expecting me to come at you with something that personal) but then I remember that’s what I transitioned for.  I’m not going to shy away from any topic because it’s too personal/controversial; I made this blog for that purpose.  To be able to vent about everything.  That particular day, I was ruminating over my relationship with my father and it was getting to me.  So, I wrote him one of those letters you never intend on sending (maybe I shouldn’t have published it either?).  It was cathartic. Got a good cry out of it.  It doesn’t change anything, but it helps to acknowledge the feelings I have deep down instead of pretending they’re not there.

Anyyyyway. I just had to post today because I know I’ve been MIA for the past couple of weeks.  I’m sure you guys can guess why.  Only one week of school left. Because I’m in mostly upper-level courses, I don’t really have any final exams.  Just final projects/papers and one non-cumulative tests.  I kind of wish that I did have all exams because all you have to do is study and be done with it.  For my papers, I have to commit to hours of research and writing, which gets incredibly exhausting after awhile.  But all of my papers/projects are due between Monday & Tuesday, so I’ll be done soon enough.  It’s been a grueling semester (never again will I take 6 classes and work at the same time), but it’s going to pay off.  If finals go well, which they should, I’m looking at a 4.0 for the first time in my life.

It struck me today that I have yet to post about my trip to Paris, which is in a little less than three weeks! So, I wanted to give a little background on what the trip is about and what I’ll be doing.  This is the description from the course website:

Come to appreciate Paris’ multiculturalism through the eyes and stories of immigrants from African, Asian, and Arab cultures. Explore global themes on human existence from the immigrants’ perspective. Debate and explore issues such as feminism, racisim, colonialism, independence, post-independence, polygamy, the veil, religious tolerance, the Algerian revolution, the Arab-Israeli conflict, the Lebanese war, Islamism, today’s Algerian situation, the Palenstinian question, and other aspects of a multi-cultural society. Supplement reading of novels and articles with interviews with the authors themselves, visits to artistic and cultural centers, French secondary schools and classes preparatoire to discuss firsthand the views of France’s youth on multiculturalism and other pertinent issues during a round table formate designed specifically for that purpose.

I am so excited!  I love that the trip doesn’t have the typical tourist-y itinerary.  Of course I’ll see the famous monuments, museums, and shopping destinations, but I can do all that in my free time.  This trip is giving me the opportunity to see a whole other side of Paris.  The more intimate, multicultural side.  I honestly can’t speak much on it right now because I’ve only had a couple of pre-departure meetings with the professor.  We’ve been assigned to read a couple of books and do some assignments before landing so that we’ll be able to spend every moment absorbing the culture, and not staying in the hostile writing papers.  I haven’t really had time to think about it, or prepare myself mentally, because I’ve been so occupied with school.  But once the semester ends, I’ll have one week home (I leave Dec. 27th), so I’ll be using that time to pack, shop, and teach myself some single-serving French lol.  I’m going to take mucho pictures, and I’m trying to get my hands on a video camera as well.  Because I’m still crunched for time right now (taking a break from working on a paper), I plan on making another post before I leave.

For now, I leave you guys. I’ll hopefully be posting next Tuesday after I submit my last paper. Until then, maybe you all can post a French word or two for me.  I speaky NO Frenchy.  Seriously, I don’t even think I know how to say ‘hello’…Help.

Dear Daddy…

Some would disagree, but I think it’s better to have a father’s who’s completely absent, than to have one who lives 30 minutes away but never calls. I envy the girls who say they never knew their fathers. Not to be insensitive to the trauma of not knowing who he is. But because they didn’t have to experience the disappointment s I have, and continue to experience to this day. Some would say I’m lucky to know you at all. That knowing you’re alive and that you call you once every six months is better than having no awareness of you. But statistics actually show that a father who is in and out of the life of his daughter has a more damaging affect than a father who was completely absent.

Growing up, you were there, but you weren’t. It would soon be clear that you weren’t because you were fucking every woman on earth, making more babies that you wouldn’t be there for. You think child support is enough? What about EMOTIONAL support? What about asking me how I’m doing? How’s school? How’s life? What about asking my little sister how she’s doing? How about actually being a Father to your children?

When you cheated on my mom, you cheated on us—my sisters and I. The damage is done for me and my eldest, but I won’t let you hurt my little sister. She was too young to remember all your broken promises and knows nothing of your transgressions. But now, 14 years old, she wants a relationship with you. She wants to know her half-siblings. She wants a birthday party just like the one you threw her half-sister last weekend for her (who also just turned 15). Are you going to give her the same treatment? Or are you going to scar her for life and make her feel like her daddy loves her half-sister more than he loves her?

I know it sounds horrible but…We were first. We were your real family. We should have preferential treatment. You weren’t there for us growing up, and you aren’t there for us now. But you’re there for your illegitimate children. You left us and now you have a new family. You’re cheating on them too, but you’re there. You make them feel special. You build up their confidence. They get to call you Daddy everyday. It’s hard not to resent them because they get to have the father I always needed. Flaws and all…Your mere presence is positive reinforcement. Why weren’t you there for us? Why weren’t we good enough?

You were supposed to be my male role-model. The person that set the standard for what kind of man I’d marry. But do you ever look at the example you’re setting? You’re such a poor example of what a good man should be that you wouldn’t be able to soothe me when I tell you “he cheated” or when I ask you “are there any good ones left”? You’re 43 years old with 9 children. Your paycheck is stretched so thin, you almost can’t even take care of yourself. You’re cheating on the woman you’re with. I know this for a fact. I know how you life your personal life. I know what your values are (or lack thereof).

It’s discouraging to know that you never got your shit together. You’re not a young man trying to figure out life, making mistakes along the way. You’re almost middle aged and you’re still doing the things girls pray teenage boys will grow out of. You’re everything I hope to avoid in a man. Everything.
You’re the reason why I have a hard time dating. I don’t know where my standards should lie. Anybody would be better than you. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. But sometimes I’m not picky enough. I’m either settling too much, or being unbelievably rigid. I don’t know how to have standards without being flexible. I don’t know how to compromise. You’re the reason It’s all or nothing. I hate in-betweens. I despise your inconsistency, and as a result, have zero tolerance for it. I’d rather have all of you or none of you.

You never kept your promises. You were never there when you said you would be. You’re the reason I don’t get excited about anything. Ever. It’s not that I’m pessimistic, but I only believe it when I see it. I rarely get my hopes up because I remember how excited I’d be to see you, and how incredibly disappointed I’d be when you didn’t even call. It’s because of you that I don’t like waiting on people. I’m not impatient, but I don’t like people who tell me they’ll be there at a certain time and are late. You’re the reason I don’t like to keep people waiting. You’re the reason I’m NEVER late.

You’re the reason I can’t ask for help when I need it. I’m used to asking, and you never providing. More disappointment. More unreliability. I’m better off taking care of myself. Even when I can’t.

You’re the reason I have a hard time trusting people. And the reason that I trust some people too much.You should have protected me from my brother…Or at the very least, reprimand him for violating me and my sister. But you asked no questions. You pretended it didn’t happen.

I never knew the significance of having a father in my life. I never knew how much an impact one could have. I never knew how a father’s presence could play a role on a growing girl’s confidence (or lack thereof). I never knew that the things you did to me as a child would affect the woman I am today. I never knew you could still make me cry.

You’re my Father. The one I’m supposed to look up to. The one I should be able to cry to when my heart is broken. Not the one who’s breaking it.  You should be the one telling me that I deserve better. That my prince is out there. That I shouldn’t put up with bullshit. But how could you say any of that in good conscience? How could you, when you’ve broken my heart more than anyone else has?

I’m determined to not let my past dictate my future.  I refuse to be a victim.  I refuse to go from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship just to fill the void Daddy left.  I refuse to be cynical and believe that every man is just like you.  I will not let my past dictate my future.

But I wish you would have made it easier for me.

I hate finals.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

xo,

syd

Back to Reality

Is everybody else as terribly sad as I am to be back at work? I could almost cry.

My break was a tense one.  Partially because of the fact that Thanksgiving didn’t show up this year, or rather, my family didn’t.  Traditionally, my aunts and uncles on my mother’s side all gather at my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. All four of my uncles, their children, my aunts, their children, and my immediate family do this every year.  The turn out is usually in the teens. This time it didn’t happen.  Out of my grandmother’s six children, only one showed up (and it wasn’t my mom).  I won’t get into details why, but it came down to grudges, stubborness, and a severe lack of communication.  It’s sad when grown ass men and women can’t handle their issues like adults.  Although it was disappointing that my family unraveled right around the holidays, my mother and sisters still made the most of Thanksgiving.

Aside from the family tension, my break wasn’t exactly a relaxing one because of the mountain of homework I had.  Did I do the homework?  Nope.  But the anxiety of not doing my work just about ruined my break. Everyday I put it off, I told myself I’d do it the next.  The whole week went by and I did nada.  I guess I wanted to make this break a true break. I was just too busy enjoying my time off to realize that I was making this upcoming week way harder on myself.

I apologize for not making this blog “happen” like I said I would.  I still have specific blueprint in mind, and I don’t want to half-ass anything. So I may hold out until can devote the time I want to it. Until then, I’ll continue writing and vlogging. I can’t say when, but I can promise I’ll be posting sometime this week.  I have a 13 page paper due Friday so of course that’s top priority. But I’ll try to pop in to make a quick update.

In the meantime, I’m curious how your Thanksgivings were spent.  Get any good Black Friday deals?

Photo Theft: ‘He found out his girlfriend was cheating…’

I didn’t plan on posting today, but this tripped me out.

Today a friend of mine commented on a picture of me on Facebook saying, “Sydney, I saw a picture of you in an advertisement! It was next to a picture of a guy crying and the ad said ‘He found out his girl was cheating. Spy on your girl NOW’.

Of course I laughed it off.  I commented back that I’d like to see this look-a-like and asked where he saw the ad.  But he insisted that it wasn’t a look-a-like.  It was me.  And it was the picture he commented on. He said he saw it on www.worldstarhiphop.com.  He claimed he showed it to 10 of his teammates (he’s a football player) and that, without a doubt, it was me.

By then, I was a little creeped out.  I hardly talk to this guy, so the I knew he probably wouldn’t make up this whole story just to pull my leg.  I went to the website and saw the ad banner but no picture of me.  I figured I’d have to refresh the page a few times to shuffle the ads so I did.  Sure enough, after the fourth refresh, this ad popped up (click to enlarge):

This is the original picture:

*_*

My initial reaction was to laugh.  You know, the “that’s tripped out!” kind of laugh.  But then it set in how messed up this is.  Especially to use my image with a caption like that WITHOUT my permission.  It’s libel, isn’t it?

I’m not trying to sue anybody or get paid, but I do want my picture not to be used for this ad anymore.  The advice of you aspiring lawyers would be very much appreciated right now.

ps

If you want to see the ad on the website itself, go to www.worldstarhiphop.com.  It’s right at the top of the site. Keep refreshing the page. It’ll pop up sooner or later.

Updates: Blog Title & More

Hey guys.

This post isn’t going to be too long.  It’s already 3am and I have a 9:30am class (I know, I’m crazy). Just wanted to make a quick update because I won’t be able to write much this week. Since my Thanksgiving Break starts Friday, of course I’m swamped with papers and projects for the rest of the week. While I won’t be able to post much (if at all), I did want to fill you guys in on what I have planned for the blog.

So, I finally thought of a title (yay!). I think it’s fitting for what I want this blog to be about. It’s not genre-y and it leaves things open enough for me to blog about whatever I want. The reason I haven’t retitled it yet is because I wanted to wait until I’ve finished final layout for this blog (which I’m currently working on). As well as finalizing the template, I’m also working on the external pages (About the Blog, Q&A, and more).  I like the way WordPress allows bloggers to create sections and organize information in a more user-friendly way. This was a feature that I always wished Blogger had (maybe they do and I just didn’t know how to use it) but I’m definitely going to take advantage of it here.

I don’t know how, but traffic to this site is higher than traffic to Love is a Minefield was. And only a few of you followed me over here so (I don’t think) you’re the ones showing up in my stats. That means that somehow people are finding this blog, which I didn’t expect to happen.  I didn’t intend on making this blog a “This is My Life” blog in the first place, but knowing people are reading makes me feel more inclined to offer useful information.  While I do plan on writing about things in my life and from my personal perspective, I still want some structure/objectivity on this blog as well. So, in addition to personal blogging, I’m going to create some pages where I’ll link to other related articles and blogs.  Buuut, without the knowing the title and purpose of this blog, it may be kind of hard for you guys to envision all of this, so I’m going to just leave it at that for now

Anyway, you guys will see the framework for all of this in the next week. I’d prefer it happen all at once, but that would mean sitting at the computer for 3+ hours and that kind of time is definitely a luxury. 19 credit hourss + 3 hours of independent study + a part time job = very little “me” time, let a lone time for blogging.  So, stay tuned for the changes and don’t be alarmed if the blog is looking out of sorts. As of this Friday, it’ll be under construction until further notice.

As for the emails and comments inquiring about this, in the VERY near future, I plan on posting details about my trip to Paris (December 27!), the exhibit I’m co-curating, and the summer research program I’m applying for.

Soooo yeah! There’s going to be a lot happening here in the next few weeks, it’s just a matter of finding the time to do all of it. I plan on spending a lot of my Thanksgiving Break working on the blog so bear with me

Hope you guys are enjoying your week so far. If you’re in the Midwest, your Indian Summer is probably over too, and the cold, rainy weather is back with a vengeance. Sucky.

Anyhoodles, I’ll try to check back in before the weekend. If I don’t, look for me next week.

xo,
Syd

Gripe of the Week: Flakes

In my last vlog, I stated I wouldn’t be writing for the rest of the week because I’d have a friend visiting.  Well, said friend flaked on me at the very last second and now I can blog all I want! ::fake sarcasm::

It’s not like I got my hopes up too high; this girl is a notorious flake.   We’ve made plans or her to visit me on campus at least five times in the past year.  She’d be all ready to come out, and then something would happen at the very last second.  She’d miss her bus, forget her ticket, or decide she just wasn’t in the mood to come anymore. 

I understand that some things are out of our control and I’d be a little more understanding if this wasn’t something she did ALL the time.  It’s not just about her not showing up–it’s not that big a deal.  What I can’t stand is when people make a commitment and don’t follow through.  I am absolutely swamped with work this weekend but because she wanted to getaway, and said she’d be very disappointed if I backed out on her, I decide to still let her come. And then after I make the arrangements for her arrival–grocery shopping, post-poning appointments, etc.–she tell’s me she’s not coming. 

I guess I just expect people to be as considerate as I try to be.  If people are counting on me for something, I come through. Period.  I consider myself  pretty reliable person, and all I want is the same reliability that I grant other people. Is that too much to ask for?  Maybe so…

Am I the minority? I am the only one who only commits to things I intend on following through? If not, when did keeping your word stop being important?

Vlog #2

Have a good weekend!